Young people need as much time to grieve after the death of someone close,
whether they show it or not. The most common issue for a parent is that the
child doesn’t ‘seem’ to be distressed so they don’t want to upset them. Children
are in a world where they are used to not having control over things and
therefore often accept things quicker that doesn’t mean that it is ok with them
though. Their feelings can be hidden from people, the child often watches the
grown up to see how they are ‘supposed’ to react. It is a very confusing and
painful time for a child and they can feel very uncertain of everything. A hug
and a honesty is often the best way to help the child cope. However if your in
much pain yourself then this can be very difficult.
Very young children may miss the
person who has died but they do not really understand that death is permanent.
However they will be very sensitive to the reactions of those around them. They
may become very anxious and unsettled and will need even more love and
attention. Try to get them back into a calm routine as soon as possible.
School-age children begin to
understand more about death and become aware that the person is not coming
back. They may feel angry and worried as well as sad that the safety of their
world has been upset in this way. Younger children may also worry that they
caused the death by something naughty they said or did.
Children tend to express their feelings through behaviour rather than words.
Rather than looking distressed or crying you may find they are more irritable
or energetic, for example. They may wake at night or have nightmares and they
may show their anxiety by regressing to more babyish talk and demanding
behaviour. Children will need explanations and reassurances about their worries
and opportunities to express their feelings through talking with understanding
friends and relatives or through play. Encouraging happy memories through
looking at photographs or other mementoes can be a comfort.
Teenagers are more likely to understand death as an adult does and more
likely to be aware of the feelings of others. However they are also likely to
find it difficult to express their feelings in words, particularly to other
adults and they may bottle up their emotions because they think everyone in the
family is already upset enough. As a result their distress may affect their
lives in other ways. For example they may become withdrawn or schoolwork may
suffer or they may seem more difficult and less cooperative, for example. Make
it clear that you understand they are going through a distressing time and that
you are there to listen if they want to talk about the person who has died or
their own feelings.
If you are so distressed by the death yourself that you cannot offer a child
or young person the support they need, try to ensure that another relative or
family friend is there for them. Routine is vital for children as they can
easily feel very nervous of change at this time, ultimately there is no perfect
way for you to guide a child through grief and watching them try to cope can be
heartbreaking.
It is essential that they know that there is someone
who understands their feelings and that they do not have to cope alone.
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