All loss is a terrible and heartbreaking time, none more so
than when the death was completely unexpected.
On a practical level all sudden or unexpected deaths (where
doctor has not attended within previous 2 weeks) must be reported to the
coroner (or procurator fiscal in Scotland), usually via the police.
Someone you love
has died. It is an understatement to say that your life has been changed
forever. Your pain and perhaps anger are deep and it will be a very long time
until you can resolve the strong mix of feelings you are now experiencing.
Getting from where you are now to a point of resolution about your loss will
take a great deal of hard work and determination on your part, as well as the
support of one or more caring listeners.
Right now, there
are a flood of thoughts, emotions, and reminders of the person(s) you lost. You
should expect to have crying spells, mood swings, sleep difficulties, and
troubling memories and dreams. This painful collection of feelings and
reactions is often so intense that people may wonder whether they are losing
their minds. All of this is actually a normal part of coming to terms with a
traumatic event like this one.
A sudden death can be very difficult to come to cope with,
the shock can stay with you for a long while. It is important that you find
someone to talk to and make sure they listen. Often people, with best
intention, offer their version of comfort which usually starts with the phrase “I
know how you feel”. You need to talk to someone who will say “what happened”
and listen.
Revenge -
For the first time in their lives, many people find themselves thinking
of ways to "get back at ______" for their loss. Understandably, some
people are deeply disturbed by this emotion. This is another thing that can
cause you to worry that you are "losing it" (going crazy). This is
generally a normal reaction. Counsellors find that almost every person they
work with thinks about revenge. Having these feelings does not mean you are
going to act on them.
Some people will
tell you that wanting revenge is unhealthy and that the only way you can find
peace is to forgive. If forgiveness is in your heart, fine, but do not allow
people to place unnecessary guilt on you if you are not feeling forgiving.
Chances are they have never been through what you are experiencing.
Factual information is a critical need for family and close
friends following a fatal event. You will likely want to know the specific
details surrounding the death of your loved one. You will likely not find
answers to all of your questions. While you will find yourself focusing on the
minutest details early on, as you begin accepting your loss, this obsession
will diminish.
The rest of your
life is the epilogue. Your life has been permanently changed by the untimely
loss you have suffered, but you need not be psychologically damaged by this
trauma. It is OK to question who you are and what is to become of you. You will
see things differently than before. You will sometimes be more irritated by
"little things" in life. Other times, you'll be amazed by things that
formerly would have seemed catastrophic, and now seem insignificant, in
comparison to your loss. You’ll have a much clearer notion of what your
priorities are. You'll feel you've been through and survived the worst that
could happen. Your faith and your view of humanity may be shaken. You may find
it impossible to trust strangers, even those who may genuinely be trying to
offer help.
The process of mourning can
takes years and may be made even harder by having to face autopsies, inquests,
legal proceedings etc. you will probably spend a great deal of time thinking .
Slowly it is possible to come to terms with loss especially if you can surround
yourself with people or ways to cope.
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